Sunday, June 19, 2011

a massive, sentimental undertaking

They hustled down Union Turnpike, their backs to the cars speeding east. Crossing over Parsons Boulevard, they were spread the across headed towards campus, and headed straight into a stiff wind.


Buzzed off some wine jug swigs -- a red table wine, a gallon’s worth for only dollars -- they walked into the breeze with some difficulty, each forced to lean slightly into it and to raise the volume of their voices considerably. But they were certainly not disturbed by this is any way. In fact, their light wine high would probably have brought on some slight slumping of posture anyway, and it is no doubt they’d have been shouting at each other, happily of course, with or without the noisy air rushing past their ears.


In almost lock step they laughed about the wind, and how hard it always seemed to blow in their Queens neighborhood.


A study in Queens--

informal, scientific--

of how the wind blows.


The tallest one rattled off this haiku as they strided, and the two to his left, a skinny one and a shorter one, hummed in agreement. Not that the little syllables stated any real profound sentiment, but surely the wind in Queens, specifically on this day, did blow.


Dan, who was the tallest by several inches, reaching well over six feet in height, seemed only slightly so, as the friend to his left, a bearded, friendly looking fellow, wore dark, narrow jeans, a slim black and red button-down, and a pair of tiny flip-flopping sandals that highlighted his wispy, skinny frame.


Damien was much shorter than Dan, who wore a pair of thin, green shorts, very high-topped sneakers, and a long, loose grey sweater, but because he was much skinnier, and because Dan was slightly wider, their height difference seemed to level off when they were near each other, especially today. Dan’s height, which showed in the skinny legs poking out from his shorts, was off-set by the wide shoulders accented in the well-fitting sweater which made his torso seem stronger, his arms less lanky, and his legs less frail. Damien, though shorter, seemed taller because of the fabric that molded to his body, making him a sleek picture of easy, hippie style.


Their third amigo, the one on the extreme left, hugging the curb, and so the closest to the humming traffic of Union, was without question the shortest. But what separated him from the other two more than his height was the appearance of being willing to scrap at a moment’s notice. He lacked the size of the tallest, the typical bearded sign of age of the skinniest, but was certainly the man of the group. For though of the same age as the others, all in their late college days, and possessing no apparent signs of aged wear and tear, Eugene looked tough and mean, though he was actually neither. The others were lighter, more bubbly, while he was a bit more rugged and quiet, and he kept this nature tucked away close in his white beach hoodie and wrinkled tan shorts, exposing his stout, strong legs.


The haiku formed in Dan’s head quickly, for moments earlier, while the three still sat in the cozy bedroom of the Goethels Avenue apartment, they shared both glasses and notepads with equal generosity.


* * *


They sat in Eugene’s room, which was at the front of the apartment facing Goethels. There was a large window, shaded from the street by some shrubbery, a tame garden maintained by the upstairs landlord of the two-floored, tan brick and stone building, then a wide sidewalk and small strip of grass.


It was a unique side street, especially for this stretch of Queens so close to the hectic Union. Goethels stretched all the way east until it ran into campus, but here, some twenty-plus blocks west, the street was at its source, and it was unlike any other stretch along the way to 169th Street, where it ended. The apartment sat close to the street, only a few hundred feet from bus stops, traffic lights, and cross walks, but here was an impressive row of large oak trees lining the strip of apartments that ran from where Goethals began at a tiny corner with Union and 147th Street all the way to a church which sat on the corner of Goethals and Parsons, where the boys would soon be hustling.


The cathedral effect of trees ran the length of the entire block, and the tall brown trunks and thick green tops numbered in quantities almost as large as the amount of cars parked on the street, for what the block lacked in noisy traffic and fast food stops it made up for in backed-in parked cars.


The backing in was a way to cram in as many cars as possible, for here, parallel parking just would not do, there were just too many cars and all of them parked. And certainly, the residential row of low, brick apartments, some rich and dark like the red of an Ivy League campus, others light and tan, like that of where the boys sat, all far removed from the street creating a slightly more suburban feel than just around the corner, housed enough people to cause this over abundance of parking. But its ever-present nature was likely more the responsibility of the church outside Eugene’s window than it was the collection of people living there.


The large, gothic church sat with two immensely shaped panels of stained glass which stood in sharp and beautiful contrast to the slate colored steps and walls, and large brown wooden entranceway lined with black brass fixtures. Sometimes one felt the church bells chimed too often, every hour on the hour, everyday, but more often than not one could tune the noise out, allowing it to settle into background noise like the drone of planes passing overhead at night or of distant honking horns. The three pals often masked the bells unintentionally, by playing music or leaving the buzz of the television set on. The real inconvenience of having this church as a close neighbor, then, was the rate at which its patrons gobbled up parking spots on an otherwise quiet street. Every evening at around suppertime, a resident’s favorite spot close to their door would be replaced by a distant one around the corner on 147th. And each weekend morning or afternoon, when it was often necessary to shuttle friends about or to make a quick escape for food, it was the same.


But if this was the biggest problem with the location, then there really was no problem at all, for Dan most often chose to walk to their preferred hang out and leave his car permanently stashed in the garage behind his apartment on 146th and Union. He rarely used his car, a small black thing which always broke down. Trips home to Long Island were actually easier in the stages of bus, train, and taxi, then they were of loading up with gas, and praying for a full journey without breakdown. His car was there as an emergency outlet, and that was it.


For Damien it was slightly more complicated. Since he shared the place with Eugene, living in the room at the back of the apartment, a windowless bunker compared to the way in which Eugene’s room felt as if it were on display, he often struggled to find parking. But since he rarely moved his car about, a fast little thing, quick and bright, electric blue, the struggle was never too severe. The reason he had it with him at all then was too provide him with quick and reliable transport home to Maryland during extended breaks from class.


Probably Eugene took the worst of it, shuttling himself back and forth between his ocean getaways in New Jersey, but he never seemed to mind the effort it took to secure a spot. He might have even enjoyed it, for the boys preferred to take his car, a sleek silver complete with hatchback, on little trips, too, much like they preferred to sit in his room when they got together, and it likely made him proud. And whenever Eugene jetted home, he always enjoyed himself throughly, so it was a fair trade where he was a clear winner.


Eugene’s room was always the chosen spot because of its location. Though Damien’s room was far more spacious, it felt hidden because of its position in the way back of the apartment. Even the hallways which led to it felt oddly dark and dungeonous. There was nothing wrong with the room itself, but the fact that Eugene’s room was right next to the entrance of the apartment, awfully convenient, and that his door opened up to the kitchen, also convenient, made it the most picked. The television he had in there helped, as well, as this was a luxury that Damien lacked, all be it by choice.


They sat now with a large bottle which had been opened up the previous night. The bottle sat in the center of the room, surrounded on all sides by the friends. Eugene sat in a small, rickety swivel chair, once a majestic office centerpiece, his back to the window. Dan sat on the bed facing the window, his back against the wall, his feet dangling off. Damien was in a metal fold-out with the window to his right and the bed Dan chose to his left. All three faced each other, and these were their usual spots.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

shaving

i did it again.

i waited so long, that i really had no other option.

at least, that's what i told myself before i finally picked it up and plugged it in.

i eyed it for a few minutes before i actually took it off the shelf and used it, though. i was thinking about the first time i did this. i was in someone else's bathroom. the razor hung conveniently in the shower. so much sleeker than mine. i knew it would be a much quicker, smoother shave. so i used it. it was weird ... i felt like i was stealing.

this time, though, it was in my own bathroom. and the razor was electric.

where should i test it out? i thought about it as i stared at myself in the mirror.

if i tried it on my face and it didn't work, i'd be in some trouble. i tried my chest hair.

ouch! ... it worked.

so i started on my face, thinking, why do i always wait so long? and in my mind i was thinking how pleased i'd be in mere seconds when the quick, dry, electric shave job was complete and my face looked clean.

but it took some effort. the razor did not quite glide as much as i thought it would. it didn't really even cut as much as i thought it would. i really had to work the thing to get the job done.

my right cheek complete, i began thinking of the blue disposable razors behind my mirror that i had brought with me.

are they really any less work? i thought. sure, they might not look as nice, but i bet it'd take just as long. i was thinking this out, staring into a face one-third shaved.

i tapped out the headpiece of the stolen electric razor and put it back on my roommate's shelf. i picked up the tiny blue disposable razor and got back to work.

it really was work, i had to scratch and rinse and wash and scrub and pay careful attention to not miss any spots. but, i didn't mind. i was getting the job done just as fast, and at least it was my razor. i had been the one that waited so long, so perhaps i deserved it ... i needed to work a bit harder to teach myself the lesson.

now, the skin on my neck burns a bit. the disposable razor was worked beyond it's potential, so i have some tiny cuts as evidence of a dulled, overworked blade. but, i am glad i put his electric one down. it would have taken me just as long with just as much work. and i think i would have had that feeling again ... that i stole something.

instead, i'm sitting in my room now, laughing over the patch of chest hair missing from my flat ribs and i'm watching the sky get bluer out my window as i get dressed for work.

sure, my neck burns a bit. yes, there are some cuts. but i think my face looks nice. and i did it with my razor, no one else's.

Monday, January 10, 2011

do you write her--

do you write her
letters, poems, sign them
with your guts?

Friday, December 24, 2010

cross-legged--

cross-legged
pant-sitters
couch-sitting,
sipping and sipping

a lunar eclipse--

a lunar eclipse
and a frigid wind
on the winter solstice

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

you couldn't have been more than fifteen--

you couldn't have been more than fifteen
minutes, but the months passed so slow

so stopped here i am sitting, considering
how you let me leave and how you are

stepping inside of someone else and how
long their fifteen minutes will last for them

probably very long, too, like they were
for me and who will it be next for you?

Monday, November 8, 2010

new... (MORE)

He breathed in deeply, long and slow. He'd take one last pull before making his way to his spot on stage.

For now, he waited in the back. He would be announced last, he always was. The best always gets called last. And while he waited, he stared at the skeleton metal form in front of him, what was behind all the other competitors, invisible to the gathered crowd.

"Unbelievable," he puffed to himself. He wondered how the slim metal held up such a pile of bulky heft bunched up on stage.

As the smoke piled out of his lungs, he heard his name called at last. And now that it had been called, he suddenly wanted to hide right where he was and avoid all the noise and energy that was only a few feet away.

He didn't yet pay attention to the drug effect as he climbed the steps. So, as he climbed, his mind focused upon other things instead-- his breathing, the carefully timed opening and closing of his eyelids, the picking up and putting down of his two feet, the quiet roar of the collected crowd sounds, the heads turned to watch his walk on stage, the odor of their contest.

Oh, he was there-- on the stage next to his competitors, the announcer's voice booming in unison with his fevered pacing, the nervous volunteers arranging then re-arranging first chairs and tables then frivolities of plates, cups, and napkins-- but his mind, which in turn worked his equilibrium, eyes, and ears, at last began to settle with the clouds, which now drifted more and more slowly over the buildings beyond the stage, and the air, which now sat right above the crowd.

For no more that twenty seconds, perhaps quite a bit less, he remained a motionless planet, around which buzzed tiny meteors, gassy furnaces, and spinning moons. The stars popped and sizzled, whipped and roared-- the planet sat and faced the brick buildings, which were visible only to those on stage, and even then only to those not so engaged in their task.

Then he realized it-- he missed or ignored it on the slow walk up, forgot about it during his surveillance, but it was clear that the drug had him at last.

The event's progress lurched forward, a bell sounded, perhaps a whistle blew, and he thought for a moment that he could fall asleep. With this, all eyes were on him and the other bodies on stage-- it didn't matter if they really were on him or not, for, in any case, they felt as if they were. And so he grabbed his tool and worked, too aware to turn and dash away.

my squeaky, metal vessel;

my squeaky, metal vessel;
swiftly boarded, shaking--
a ride home, at least.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

these thieves

these thieves
they would have
loved to have found
this box of hats

the longest poem ever

the longest poem ever
begins when the ride does
down the small wave
tucked against the barrel
of an oil-tanker,

having rode in 12 miles
of salty, warm water
in a small, wooden bucket
amidst barrels of ice and beer.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A worse suburbanite? No,

A worse suburbanite? No,
I split myself
between trails cloaked in oak, pecking birds,
and deer shit,
and the odor of concrete, garbage cans, broken bottles,
and piss-stained shit-stalls--
I shut my eyes and exist
inside the middle, in neither,
urges to cut solitary cabins,
to rent one-room basements,
but my shut eyes open
and slam my head on my desk--
my shoes keep untying,
I keep dropping my things,
stacks fly off my hands and out of windows--
could I be eaten alive
do you think? could I be chewed?
decompose? be compost?
could I be mugged, raped, and shot?
could I be surrounded by yellow tape
and flashbulbs? dead on broken glass?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I will never understand--

I will never understand
this person behind me--
seated, hunched,
cross-legged on grass,
shade-hidden, spilling her soup,
squawking above birds--
me on metal bench,
shifting for comfort, sifting
through pages--
not her language, more
her tone, abrasive,
more: loud--
me on metal bench, arms
stretched, soaking sun,
odor alive, pulling pages
from pockets,
more: quiet--
hers a ground zero,
bombed, disturbed--
me writing
(do they hear my scratches?),
waiting, watching--
"What is she saying, and
why do I care?"

Monday, March 8, 2010

I hear the phone call--

I hear the phone call.
A message left, water-logged.
I re-read the sent message,
feel the anticipation
of a non-reply.
I see her face, disgusted,
and am embarrassed,
but will call again
until I undo what I've done.
I avoid music,
shutting it all off,
if it is happy or sad.
I get cold in the mornings
and too hot come nights.
I am losing sleep
and so I begin to drink,
the old, rough habit.
Spilling my guts
over all these things I've done,
I am a martyr.
It is sad, sick, and tired,
silly and embarrassing.
I will forget what time it is,
crawl to the floor,
drag myself to the bathroom.
When I brush my teeth,
I will gag myself
and vomit in the sink.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Go play in the trees, she told her--

"Go play in the trees," she told her,
"and narrate everything you do."
And so the child grabbed
and snapped and jumped,
slid and crashed,
muddied and climbed,
scratched, cut, bled.
But mostly, the child talked
and thought about what she said,
choosing her words carefully.
Words like, "The trees are tall"
and "When the wind blows,
their leaves fall on me."

Friday, January 22, 2010

peace love whitey

peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey
peace love whitey peace love whitey peace love whitey

Monday, December 21, 2009

--not because I am faster than you

--not because I am faster than you,
but because these gloves
have signified change in weather
for countless seasons,
because the inches of snow
mean I claim the streets
again for myself,
because I know the morning's dark
and the night's dark,
and my senses are pushed to their limits,
because I will run in layers
or remove them as necessary,
weighed down or stripped to my skin,
because I know the taste of mud,
and woodchip, and pine, and sand,
the earth spits at me,
because I am of the first,
of the middle, and of the last,
know each and am known by each,
because I run splinted, bruised,
beat, and torn not for glory
but for devilish need,
because it is not glamorous and
I let it become too much
and I have lost some from it
who won't understand,
because I have gained others from it
who know too well, knowing me
as much as I know them,
because I have touched their palms
at ends of long toils, trails, and treks,
and forever am linked with them,
because each mile logged matches
one thousand unlogged
and they have both built me and broken me,
because my shoes and a watch follow me
where I go, a friendship unlike another,
because I have never looked the part,
too tall, too stiff, too slow,
because it keeps me up at night,
a loud, noisy, unrelenting lover,
because I have thrown up
and held my vomit in,
because a small beep can signify
death and failure and birth and success,
because I have been through countless batteries
but run on through them,
because of the recognition of the pack
and the shrug, the grunt, and the look,
because of sundays together,
alone in the woods,
because of adventure and being lost,
because of storm clouds and rain
that find me wet, waterlogged,
headed for home,
because of the time away,
angry and bitter, forced to heal,
missing every painful step,
because of a need to create,
compose, and leave an impression,
because of the small jog,
the satisfied shakedown with friends,
because of anticipation,
what makes our nerves stretch,
what reminds us to be good,
because of the crack,
the tense, terse, careful steps,
because of the elbows, the bumps,
the shoves and nudges for space,
because of all the spots,
the memories, the smells, the sounds,
because you beat me
over and over again,
because you believe that it even matters,
because you give up when you are tired,
sick, or slow,
because I am always tired,
sick, and slow,
because I am made and unmade,
because when it comes down to it,
when you are spent and I am spent,
I will beat you, but
not because I am faster than you--

Saturday, December 12, 2009

she sat on the book--

she sat on the book
and covered its words,
passed a coffee
between her left and right hands,
switching between my left and right eye
while our neighbors stop with us
to listen and we don't care
because it's that real and that okay--

I feel in touch with humanity tonight,
without Walt's help for once,
since I never asked her to sit,
yet here we relate while it's cold outside
and the world files in to warm,
distracted by each other or happy to be alone,
seeking out the light, not pretending in either case--

my friend never showed,
but tonight, the night is so dark,
and we are drawn to all kinds of light,
making it okay to drift and be content in drifting--

the Homeric connection will bind us
and close the gaps of seas,
touch together banks of rivers,
old hounds again on the hunt,
fresh scents in their noses,
forever linked to one another
even when separated.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

thanksgiving poem

the thought is not enough
when our ways have come undone

to act's a better way
to help the battle won

when you separate your self
from the very things you do

you are stuck with the results
your Creator hands to you

so please choose to act
even if it's very small

for an action past a thought
has the chance to help us all

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

fall meditation

I wrote it down,
but on the air,
I gasped and watched it go.

I left it there,
upon the air,
to hit another so.

And then a leaf
I slipped on said
its thanks for what I'd done.

I hurried on,
the leaf now gone,
with miles more to run.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

sonnet

Gone a dozen ceaseless season
from our languid winter love,
leaving but forgotten treason
and new discovered distance of
emotion far from gentle flame
leaving the glow less gratifying
thus giving it a brand new name
and one much less satisfying.
Unknown to either side then
we could be so distant in heart,
for quick emotion back in time can
convince one season would not part.
Now snows but leave us to our sides,
apart, separate, until our paths collide.